So earlier this week, I was captivated by a young woman on social media who was recounting her experience of an early pandemic relationship. The poor lady had obviously been traumatized. She took responsibility for her role in this fiasco, as she told us the details of her failed marriage. She told the world the story of how she met, married and divorced a man in a span of about a year and a half. She told this story in 10 minutes increments, and the whole thing took around 5 hours, (less if you watched at 1.5 speed, like I did.)
The gist of the story is she met a man on the internet. They matched on a couple of the dating applications. On the way to meet him for the first date, her tire blew out. The man came to her location. He put the spare tire on her car, followed her to a repair shop, and paid for a new tire. He then took her to the cheesecake factory where they shared their hopes and dreams. They stayed up talking until midnight, and the woman became smitten almost immediately. They both said they were looking for marriage. Two weeks later, the world shut down due to the Coronavirus and they decided to quarantine together in her townhouse. She became pregnant. They started looking for a house and became engaged. He took her car shopping, but never bought her a car. They looked at houses. He claimed to make offers on a couple of houses, and they both fell threw. But he kept paying all the household expenses. He experienced multiple deaths in his family and immediate circle, but they persevered. She got pregnant and had a miscarriage. They got married. She caught him on the apps messaging other girls, and they wound up in marriage counseling after two months of marriage.
After some quick detective work, she learned that everything this man had ever told her was a lie. He lied about his job and income. This man was lying to her on a daily basis about his family and relationships. He lied about his parents and his siblings. The people she thought were his relatives were not really related to him. She says he was a pathological liar. I am not qualified to make such a diagnosis, but something was obviously wrong this man. As it turns out, the job and income he claimed to have belonged to a TWIN brother from whom he was estranged. The sisters he claimed to have were actually a cousin, and a stranger. The brother he had claimed to be speaking with on a daily basis didn’t exist. He had been married twice before, and to make matters worse, many of the people he claimed that died in the pandemic had been dead for more than a decade.
Poor Ms. Reesa-Teesa. For a year and a half, she dealt with this man and his shenanigans. The story ended in divorce and him being carried away in a police car. I’m sure that’s not what she thought she signed up for. The Tik-Toker says she recorded this information to help somebody, and while I as a happily married woman, don’t really need dating advice, I definitely gained some insight.
So here are the top 5 things church seekers can learn from the “Who TF Did I Marry?” series:
- A good first impression is not enough. It’s great that the church’s website answered all your questions. The online sermon clips blessed your soul. The choir sounds good and the preacher’s sermon had you shouting in your seat. Hold your horses their friends. One Sunday morning service is not enough to determine if this is the right place for you. Go to a Bible study. Attend a mission meeting. Do something other than Sunday morning. Anybody can make a good first impression.
- The second lesson is closely related to the first. Be willing to take in new information. Our blogging friend kept comparing what she saw to what she thought she knew, and her first impression won out every single time. When new information presents itself, we have to learn to process it. When confronted with one of her ex-husband’s lies, Reesa-Teesa actually looked for ways to let him out of it. That’s not cool, friends. Being a good Christian does not mean letting people take advantage of us. Not pastors, not husbands, not friends. We have to be willing to be honest with ourselves.
- Talk to your people. The blogger isolated herself. She didn’t tell her friends what was going on. She didn’t talk to her aunt, her mother, or her grandfather. She made decisions without receiving feedback from people who loved her. When considering uniting with a church, it is important to get opinions from people who are close to you. Find a friend or relative who has no intentions of leaving their own church to get an unbiased opinion of your prospective church home. And when they speak, listen. They will generally have your best interest at heart.
- TALK TO THE EX. If the church you are planning to attend is the offshoot from another congregation, it’s a good idea to check out that former church, too. Don’t go in looking for trouble. But do go looking for the truth. Sometimes churches split for good reason. Sometimes, its a holy hot mess. It’s best to know which one you’re walking into.
- Last not but least, know when it’s time to leave. Do not stay in a place that is not safe or good for your well-being. Get out when it’s time to go, but do not let your experience keep you from the faith. The Baptist church covenant says “We moreover engage that when we remove from this place, we will as soon as possible, unite with some other church”. I am four years removed from active engagement in a church congregation and I am quite comfortable telling you that I am in no rush to recommit to a body of believers. Am I in violation of the covenant? Maybe. But the truth is, the words “as soon as possible” are relative. Rushing into a new relationship, whether with a romantic partner, or with a religious body , is a bad idea. We need to learn from our mistakes. We need time to process and heal from our trauma. Then, and only then, can we carry out the spirit of the covenant and the principles of God’s Word.
I have been married for quite a while, but I hear there is pee in the dating pool. I don’t want to be discouraging, but there might be a little residue in the baptism pool, as well. In the words of one of the Divorce Court judges, “Look deep before you leap.”
\
The Gospel According to Gabrielle 