I know the song is 20 years old, but we need to run this Ruben Studdard classic back one more time! Because even though Yom Kippur is a month from now, now seems as good a time as any to be issuing an apology.
There are two apologies I’ve seen creep up in my social media feeds this week. The first was issued to Natalie, or the unnamed sister from Pastor Keion Henderson’s “Hush” moment. I wrote about the initial incident here, in case you need a refresher. In the video, you see the pastor calling her out, not by her name but what she is wearing. I am choosing to believe that this apology to Natalie was both spontaneous and sincere, which explains why he didn’t seem to know her name. In the video, he embraces this woman, who is still wailing, perhaps for a different reason. He says to her that he had no idea his actions would cause her so much pain.
I have a few issues with his apology. First, before the apology he makes a demand. He didn’t ask for a hug. HE didn’t ask for consent to hug her. He gave her a command, and she acquiesced. Even if she did so willingly, this rubbed me the wrong way. True apologies require nothing on the part of the receiver. You are not required to accept. You are not required even to acknowledge receipt. You are certainly not required to physically put yourself in a position to be hurt again. A true apology requires nothing on the part of the recipient. The onus is solely on the one apologizing.
The second part that bugged me was how fast he walked away. His rebuke of her took several minutes, and a whole lot more words than his apology did. I’m not suggesting this man had to stand around and prolong his church service. (Y’all know I love getting out of church as early as possible!) But I am saying that your apology needs to be as loud as your disrespect…and the apology is not generating near the amount of likes and shares as the initial interaction. He also didn’t say specifically what he was apologizing for, and perhaps what is understood doesn’t need to be expressed. After all, he was not apologizing to me.
But to his credit, Pastor Keion Henderson stood up before his congregation and apologized to a member, a woman no less, in the presence of both witnesses and cameras. For that, I am grateful. I pray that other pastors and leaders follow in this path.
The second apology that I am seeing every time I scroll comes from our beloved “Unc”, Shannon Sharpe. If you haven’t heard about Shannon Sharpe’s Instagram Live fiasco, let me just give you a brief recap. After a brief stint of pretending he had been hacked, the former Denver Bronco, admitted to accidentally going on Instagram Live during a sexual encounter with someone named Michelle. The live feed showed no illicit video or photos, but you could hear the interaction. I felt bad for the Club Shay Shay podcast host. I am notorious for pocket dials and accidental postings. I cannot even imagine some of things my friend groups have heard in the background.
Unlike Pastor Henderson’s apology, Shannon’s apology came out immediately. He said he was embarrassed, and he admitted it was his fault. This man called his family, his employer, and his fans. What I didn’t hear was a specific apology to the other person whose voice was heard on the recording. I hate that the world knows her name, now. It would have been better had she remained an anonymous voice on the recording. We have to be careful that in our efforts to make amends that we don’t cause further harm. I pray that Shannon apologized to her privately the second that he realized what happened, and that he apologizes again for the negative attention she might receive now that we know her first name.
But this post isn’t really about the former football star, nor is it about the pastor. It’s not even about the women who were wronged. It’s about those of us who owe someone else apology. It’s about those of us who issued half-hearted quiet apologies, when the people we have wronged are owed a whole-hearted, full voice, “I’m sorry.” Let’s learn from these examples.
How we make amends matters.
P.S. Ruben Studdard’s apology was terrible! One song cannot apologize for everything you did this year. But in case you’ve never heard it, here you go:
The Gospel According to Gabrielle 